I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
