When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
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