Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
