If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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