Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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