Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
