A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
