I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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