3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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