I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
