I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
