i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just high enough for therapy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
