he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
