So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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