ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
