Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
