Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
