Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
