Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
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Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
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I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.