So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner