Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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