I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
