you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
