.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
