i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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