Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
