Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
whose ass print is on the piano?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
