I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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