I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
