you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
