I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
