Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
