Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
