I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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