I can text with my tongue
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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