Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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