I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
