dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Randomize
