I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
