woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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