I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
