I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
