I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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