wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
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just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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