A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
