i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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