I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
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I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So apparently I’m into choking now
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