Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
