just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
