And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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