her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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