he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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