So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
