Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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