i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
