I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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